Friday, February 5, 2010

Slug-Fest

I believe one of Scotts Valley's most abundant, yet unappreciated natural resources is it's banana slugs. Think about it people!If we could discover a practical use for them, Scotts Valley could become the primary producer of banana slugs in the world! One use for them would be to make glue. Recently, my friend Chuckk's golden retriever, Chilly (as in Chilly Cheese Dog), ate a banana slug. His mouth then was filled with a yellowish goo that actually glued his jaw shut for a while. It was totally impermeable until Chuckk and his muscle-ish buddy Brian pried it open. Hmmm, I thought. We should DO something with that! How about using banana slug glue to glue broken things together, like plates or... peoples false teeth in their mouths ferheaven's sake?

Another use of this fabulous natural resource would be as food. Chilly obviously found the slugs delicious because he tried another one a few days afterward. Must be good! One could make...high protein banana slug bread, or banana slug sushi. Or...appetizers. Reminds me of a story... A while back, I found two of the little yellow creatures in the bottom of my recycle box, apparently gorging on remnants in empty soup cans. They were already on a piece of paper, so I took the paper and gingerly placed it on a silver tray. Then I trotted up the stairs to where my husband was working in his office. "Hey honey", I said matter-of -factly, "Would you like to sample this new appetizer and tell me what you think?" Alan's eyes didn't leave his computer "OK, I'm busy, but... (he extended his hand, finally looking up) AAAAAAAAA!" No, he didn't touch them, but the reaction was priceless!

Wait a second. If we did use banana slugs as food, there would eventually be an outcry from PETA (which I call Pita with an "i" because it sounds more appetizing). Then we would have to raise the little guys as an endangered species, so they would become pets instead of food. I can just see them: little slugs in little slug sweatshirts (undoubtedly donated by UCSC) lolly-gagging in slug habitats--little slug corrals filled with their favorite rotting food. Thus entitled, they would eventually start whining for high-priced items like blood-red oranges and organic chervil. We would never be allowed to destroy them, so, like the cows in India they would wander haplessly around Scotts Valley. Stopping traffic. Making large snail messes climbing up people's windows. ( Oh wait, they do that already...) Special slug doctors would be paid by the county to check up on them regularly in spite of the fact that having them open their mouths to say "Aaah" would be difficult. Library fines for wrecking books would be automatically excused. With no challenge to survive in their lives anymore, they would go hang out at Malone's bar, where the new expression "He was drunk as a slug" would originate.

So maybe, for the slug population's sake, we should stop all speculation of using them as a natural resource. Some things should just be left the way they are.